It's what's for dinner!
The game butcher from Germany
Published on August 18, 2005 By KBV In Gaming

Where do I start, I just have to wipe my tears and do a little "Crying Game" in the shower before I can continue. Why lord, why oh why do you have to mock us like this. I mean come on! You gave the guy "House of the Dead", you gave him "Alone in the Dark", he just finished "Bloodrayne", and he's filming "Dungeon Siege". Next year he'll be doing "Far Cry", "Fear Effect" and "Hunter: The Reckoning". But most important, he wants the movie rights for "Metal Gear Solid"?!

It's like a never ending reel of bad movies, the man has no talent, the only thing he has is ambition, and a shit load of money. I remember seeing both "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark", I also remember the feeling of having a rotten tooth removed from my mouth with little to no Novocaine. I draw the parallel of watching these movies to having that one tooth removed. The way I squirmed in the chair as the dentist put her knee on my chest and pulled backwards with the pliers in my mouth holding on to the tooth for dear life. I remember that I bleed a lot, that my mouth was sore and that my jaw hurt. You see where I'm going with this? The movies are bad, really bad. I would call them B-movies but that would be an insult to true B-movies.

Uwe Boll, the guy has guts, I'll give him that. He can take any has-been actor in Hollywood and make sure they will never get a job ever again. So because of him we can say goodbye to the following actors or actresses:

  • Christian Slater
  • Tara Reid
  • Stephen Dorff
  • Kristanna Loken
  • Michael Madsen
  • Michelle Rodriguez
  • Ben Kingsley
  • Ray Liotta
  • Burt Reynolds

All of whom have been good actors at some point in their career. Some of them are questionable, but still, these actors deserve better. They should also be locked up in a mental institution for the mentally insane. What ever possessed them to make movies with this guy, didn't they watch "House of the Dead"?

Mr. Boll once asked Something Awfull for help with "Alone in the Dark", the script was actually good. But Uwe Boll managed to say something like "It needs a car chase scene, every good movie needs a car chase scene." So he crafted that into the movie in broad daylight. Everyone was really flabbergasted, "What? A car what? The movie is called Alone In The DARK..." So we all cried, and shed a tear for yet another failed game-to-movie adoption.

So in conclusion. I hope and pray that he does not get the rights to "Metal Gear Solid", I love the games, and I love the story which has been crafted by the genius that is Kojima-San. His work is outstanding, and the games are fantastic. A movie would be great, but Uwe Boll will kill it. He will take a blunt object beat it to death, then strip all the meat of the bones, use the bones as a toothpick and then he'll piss on the carcass and set it all on fire while driving of a cliff in a blaze of flames while singing the Barney theme song.


Comments
No one has commented on this article. Be the first!