Who knows...
Published on January 2, 2006
By
KBV
In
Humor
Many great things and sad things happened in 2005, so the question now states; What will 2006 bring? Will there be a new natural disaster, will we yet again help plummet the earth in to an un-natural chaos of such preportions that will catapult us into extinction. Some new things we will be seeing.
New Google-tech
Google will be releasing a new internet software which is called “Earthdoom™” (emphesis on double O’s). It’s built in algorithms much like natural selection. Using a newly launched “GoogleSat” (their own laser mounted satellite which orbits earth), the software will start “deleting” members of our populus that are “weak” and “inferior”, such as the creators of Microsoft’s search engine and all of AOL and Yahoo!
When weakend enough, they will activate “Google Dominance (Beta)” which will by the year 2007 have taken over the entire world. Sergey Brin and Larry Page go public with the statement “We are Google, we will eventually own your soul.” Which is their long term plan after suing Lucifer for using the name “Satan”, which is the project name of their soul-suck-tech. They also reach a landslide deal with God-almighty, who goes on record “They are doing a better job at keeping world order then I am. I havn’t done shit since Adam and Eve. And let’s be honest, the shit hit the fan after that.”
Microsoft releases Vista
In a surprise move, Microsoft releases their highly hyped operating system called Windows Vista. At the launch party Steve Ballmer jumps around the stage chanting “Google sucks, Google sucks!” until he is hit with GoogleSat, bursting into fire. Badly burnt he is hospitalized, where the doctors find out that he in fact is a robot sent from the future to kill Sarah Conner, but having being infected with virus he could often be seen jumping around as a lunatic chanting words and sweating like a race horse.
Bill Gates is still and always will be the richest man on Earth. He will use his wast fortune to release yet another OS which the world dosn’t need, but is forced to use. He even starts smoking 10 cartons of smokes and straps 10 cellphones to his head just to aquire 20 different types of cancer. All this to have them removed and upping Steve Jobs. In an interview with German magazin Der Spiegel he says “If Steve Jobs can survive, so can I. I am - if you didn’t know - the richest man on earth. And that my friends, that will always be the truth.”
Apple releases yet another iPod
Holy crap, the iPod Holo is the newest iPod. Sporting patented nural network connectors - which tap straight into your brain - that will let the users connect straight to iTunes Music Store and downloading music, even without thinking about it. The wallets of the consumers will grow thinner and thinner as Apple’s vault will grow bigger. It also will “convert” anti-Apple users to use Apple’s highly white and purdy products.
At the Apple 2006 WWDC Steve Jobs will proclaim the second coming of Christ - called iChrist - all goers will yet again understand that Jobs’ word is law. One can not trifle with Jobs as he has a blinding white smile, charismatic looks and steel abs.
After this announcments he states “But wait, there is more.” and shows of three new products: iCook, iEat and iShit. All of whom run on their new version of OS X called Kitten, using the latest Quartz and newly designed Widget system which they stole from a gnome on the North Poll.
Sony releases PS4, PSP2 and PSPOD
Ken Kuturagi - in an interview with Famitsu - says that he has scrapped the PS3 in favor of the newly created PS4. “It (PS4) will be able to push Forthytrive gassillion polygons in 1/10 of a second. It will also hook up to everything in your life, even your socks and underwear! The technology used is so great that you can infact eat it, then shit it out and you will double it’s power!!“. Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima will also release a new movie which run on this new hardware platform, he is calling the game “MGS:WGADIWBTBGYEP” (Metal Gear Solid: Who Gives a Damn, It Will Be The Best Game You’ll Ever Play). In this game Solid Snake will be a zombie corps in the year 2453 where the world is in disarray because of a conglomerate of evil companies who turn everyone into healthy and intelligent people.
The PSP2 will be better then the PSP. The PSPOD is “retail” version of PSP2 that only plays music bought on Sony’s music store. The only problem with it as stated in reviews “It stops working because of the copy protection system in which Sony has created for it. But we can’t complain, it’s a really nice paper weight!”
Nintendo releases the Revolution
Nintendo will release their new system Revolution, which they rename “Nintendo: Wave a Stick” (or WAS). At launch there are “new” games like Super Mario Spank, Luigi’s Kitchen, Pokemon: Tin and Copper, Mario Luge, Mario Dive, Mario Poker and Mario Table Tennis. Third party games will come sometime in 2006, the first to release games for it is Electronic Arts who release sequels to FIFA, NFL, NHL and all their other sports games.
The Phantom gaming console is cancelled
Editors note: I was going to make a joke about this, but there is no need to beat a dead horse, that’s just cruel.
Adobe buys Jasc, Xara, Autodesk, Alias and many many more.
After purchasing Macromedia, they get the taste for blood and start buying other companies. Soon they are as big as Google and start their race for world dominance. But Google has the lead and will be hard to beat.
The World
Every living being on earth will become one year older before 2007.
Happy new year everyone! Please keep in mind that everything written here is fake, NOTHING IS REAL. It's ment to be funny. If it's not, I'm sorry.